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| stand up new york, anderson, anal, discussion board, celebrities, ezine, writing, killing the buddha, jeff sharlet, melbourne, story, israel podcasts, movie, swinging, pantie, dogging, college, | But it still excites me to think that that new almost-person was already there when that man was inside me. Time anal rape passes. Sometimes I rewind my life so that all my sexual encounters blur anal rape together in one long movie in my head, grainy and flickering, sloppily edited; a quick scene in the dark, and another, and another. Whose arm, whose leg? My lips tracing the line of whose jaw, searching for a mouth to kiss. The squeak of a bedframe, the anal rape quiet of a mattress on the floor, the blare of the horn when my back bumps somebody's steering wheel. A rainbow of panties, all beautiful, some lost in someone else's room, someone's car, in the recesses of somebody's couch. A slow-motion gang bang, spliced and re-assembled for my pleasure. And now I have a daughter. |
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| My last zipless fuck. Devotion washes over me, an emotional orgasm; all my aimless desire seems to focus, to narrow onto Carter. I close my eyes and fill myself with him. "I should go home," I say to this sweet man, killing the buddha supplicant across my naked body. "I should go, too," he says. We slide off one another and pick up our clothes, silent. My body is tingly. We share a laugh as he opens the back hatch of the car and we climb out, and standing killing the buddha in the killing the buddha rain, he holds me for a moment. I hold him more. Tighter. I smell him. I kiss him, and smile at his adorable face, his potential. For a moment I'm jealous of the woman who has this man as her Carter. "Thank you," I say. "Don't mention it," he replies. And then he grins shyly. "Thank you." I almost stumble to my car, and I drive home feeling woozy. Carter is asleep in our warm bed, dreaming, and I join him there. One week later, the doctor tells me that I'm pregnant. She tells me that I've been pregnant for a month, and I'm relieved; it's Carter's baby. |
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