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The only thing I knew for sure was she didn't want to be scattered into the ocean, because she told me so several times over a course of atheism 30 years. She left no specific instructions, though, so I put her atheism on a shelf beneath the shrine I used to meditate. Instead atheism of insight meditation, I did this: Breathe in: my mother sitting at her dressing table, telling me the stories of her family, chatting, turning, and wiping a smudge from my face with a Kleenex dampened by her spit. Breathe out: why did you lie to me? How could you lie to rne? Why did you lie to me? Repeat. I stopped meditating. I put Carmen in a drawer. I discussed my dilemma with Loren, but no one else. Carmen shamed me from the drawer, then from a shelf where I used her for a bookend, then back to the shrine, because though I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I did know that as an ex-person she deserved some sort of sacred space, however provisional that may have been.
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