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And so, the inner-debate in my head began. The players: "Hey, it's a hot summer day!" vs. "Jesus, Emily, it's a synagogue," center court. The Match: "I don't want mature porn board to sweat in front of him," backhand lob… "It's called deodorant," swing, hit -- the mature porn board insult goes long… "I can't exactly put it on my face," smash, volley… "Well, God knows you need to," fast hit to center court… "What the hell am I supposed to do? It's ninety fucking degrees," super-smash hit… "Well!" Someone in the stands screams "Shut the mature porn board hell up!" and it's me. As insults and profanity suddenly become impotent, the players approach each other, get tangled in the net, bounce back and hit the clay. Just as I convinced myself to shut the hell up, I looked down at my open-toed sandals. Their pleather straps strained to contain my doublewide feet. The poor things looked like they couldn't stomach my enormous toes and were forced to puke them out.
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